If you only knew…

Sometimes the darkness is what drives you and motivates you to do what you do in your life, or even why you keep going. But it isn’t always a negative thing. You see when I was 11 years old my Mother killed herself. Now no one knows if it was deliberate or not but that’s not the point. She took her own life. She didn’t get to see my little brother or me grow up and she wasn’t in our lives through tough times. I watched my Dad fall to pieces because of it and that made it hurt even more. My Dad was top of the top in everything he ever did but now  he doesn’t even have a retirement at all. He was an alcoholic but him and my Mom went to rehab together and went to church and he became a pastor but she ended up getting sick with several diseases and hooked on pain pills called Soma. It was terrible to see her like that not even being in the double digits age wise. But I know I’m not the only person who has seen this but it doesn’t make it any less tragic or hurtful. People my whole life have seen me as this happy helpful person but the only reason I do it is because it’s what my Mom would have done. It makes me sad that she wont ever get to see her grand-kids or meet my friends or see any of the cool things I have done or will do. When I was 10 going on 11 I developed bad anxiety disorder and I couldn’t even handle going outside to go to school. So I started to get home schooled. Well that never ends well most of the time. Then my Mom passed away and my Dad was lost sometimes on what to do with my Brother and me but he did his best with what he knew. I remember when I couldn’t even go to Walmart to go shopping alone or I would have a panic attack, then one day I just stopped caring about everything. Living, dying, it didn’t matter to me anymore because who wants to live in fear constantly and have everything you’ve ever known or had ripped away from you or lost. I know lost as good as anyone who has lost everything and even more so in some cases. My life for the past decade hasn’t been very happy or good for me even though I’ve had things happen that people consider awesome, or the things I’ve done people consider amazing. It’s never good enough for me. I get no joy out of being alive or seeing what happens in this world hardly at all. But I’m still here because I know what my Mom gave up by doing what she did and I don’t want to do the same so I exist and droll along like a mindless zombie because of it. That’s what I meant about what I said in the beginning of this. I would much rather just end my life than continue to see this world fall to pieces and the hateful spiteful people in it kill each other. But I don’t because I don’t want to cause what my Mother did. I push myself to even exist everyday and no one even knows about any of this because I hide it so well because that’s all I’ve ever known, hide how you feel keep it locked away and no one will notice and they’ll leave you the fuck alone. I haven’t even had a meaningful relationship in years now. I just don’t care and that’s the hardest part about being alive for me is that I don’t care. Someone could put a gun to my head right now and I’d hold onto it look them in the eyes and say “Do it.” in a calm monotone voice. That scares me to a point but it’s also a relief because I’m not afraid of life or the bad things that can happen. The things that I have heard seen and done people will never understand and never will be able to. I probably will die alone by my own hand one day because of the way I am. I don’t want help “fixing” myself as some people would call it and I just don’t care. There isn’t anything really worth living in this world for to me and I don’t see it ever changing. I’ve had everything and I’ve had nothing and none of it was anything to me so for today. I leave with this.

Sometimes in the darkness there is a small hand that comes forth and pushes you forward towards the light even though it seems pointless

You can keep going reluctantly and hopefully one day, you just might find something worth living for

But for some it never happens or comes then when you’re old and tired and you finally go

There was no real point but at least you made it to the end and did whatever you did in your sad life that might have made others lives a little more meaningful and good.


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