Something I’ve never been real good at. I am Mr. Anti-productive but that isn’t anything amazing so are a lot of people. I have so many things I need to finish it is amazing. Finish learning the guitar to a point where I can play whatever I feel like, finish learning Japanese so I can go to Japan like I want, finish with school so I can get back to California and be where life is soooooo damn good. Just so much and I don’t give it any thought I just waste my time like I have as much of it as I want. Well when this next year rolls around in a few days. I’m done with that bullshit. No this isn’t a resolution no one ever keeps those. This is just a starting over and stop with the bad shit I do. So hopefully next year at this time I can finally be at least closer to where I want to be at.


Yay it’s Christmas again…

Still don’t have jackshit to show for it either kind of cool but whatever right? Maybe next year I’ll be one step closer to my happiness and muse.

Sometimes you just gotta listen….

Welp instead…..

Of bitching I’m just going to put some funny pictures and walk the fuck away……. Because I’m not in the mood to talk about it anymore…..

If you only knew…

Sometimes the darkness is what drives you and motivates you to do what you do in your life, or even why you keep going. But it isn’t always a negative thing. You see when I was 11 years old my Mother killed herself. Now no one knows if it was deliberate or not but that’s not the point. She took her own life. She didn’t get to see my little brother or me grow up and she wasn’t in our lives through tough times. I watched my Dad fall to pieces because of it and that made it hurt even more. My Dad was top of the top in everything he ever did but now  he doesn’t even have a retirement at all. He was an alcoholic but him and my Mom went to rehab together and went to church and he became a pastor but she ended up getting sick with several diseases and hooked on pain pills called Soma. It was terrible to see her like that not even being in the double digits age wise. But I know I’m not the only person who has seen this but it doesn’t make it any less tragic or hurtful. People my whole life have seen me as this happy helpful person but the only reason I do it is because it’s what my Mom would have done. It makes me sad that she wont ever get to see her grand-kids or meet my friends or see any of the cool things I have done or will do. When I was 10 going on 11 I developed bad anxiety disorder and I couldn’t even handle going outside to go to school. So I started to get home schooled. Well that never ends well most of the time. Then my Mom passed away and my Dad was lost sometimes on what to do with my Brother and me but he did his best with what he knew. I remember when I couldn’t even go to Walmart to go shopping alone or I would have a panic attack, then one day I just stopped caring about everything. Living, dying, it didn’t matter to me anymore because who wants to live in fear constantly and have everything you’ve ever known or had ripped away from you or lost. I know lost as good as anyone who has lost everything and even more so in some cases. My life for the past decade hasn’t been very happy or good for me even though I’ve had things happen that people consider awesome, or the things I’ve done people consider amazing. It’s never good enough for me. I get no joy out of being alive or seeing what happens in this world hardly at all. But I’m still here because I know what my Mom gave up by doing what she did and I don’t want to do the same so I exist and droll along like a mindless zombie because of it. That’s what I meant about what I said in the beginning of this. I would much rather just end my life than continue to see this world fall to pieces and the hateful spiteful people in it kill each other. But I don’t because I don’t want to cause what my Mother did. I push myself to even exist everyday and no one even knows about any of this because I hide it so well because that’s all I’ve ever known, hide how you feel keep it locked away and no one will notice and they’ll leave you the fuck alone. I haven’t even had a meaningful relationship in years now. I just don’t care and that’s the hardest part about being alive for me is that I don’t care. Someone could put a gun to my head right now and I’d hold onto it look them in the eyes and say “Do it.” in a calm monotone voice. That scares me to a point but it’s also a relief because I’m not afraid of life or the bad things that can happen. The things that I have heard seen and done people will never understand and never will be able to. I probably will die alone by my own hand one day because of the way I am. I don’t want help “fixing” myself as some people would call it and I just don’t care. There isn’t anything really worth living in this world for to me and I don’t see it ever changing. I’ve had everything and I’ve had nothing and none of it was anything to me so for today. I leave with this.

Sometimes in the darkness there is a small hand that comes forth and pushes you forward towards the light even though it seems pointless

You can keep going reluctantly and hopefully one day, you just might find something worth living for

But for some it never happens or comes then when you’re old and tired and you finally go

There was no real point but at least you made it to the end and did whatever you did in your sad life that might have made others lives a little more meaningful and good.

The future is never certain….

Well today is going better than yesterday thank god. No more anger, no more silence, and no more bullshit. Everyone is getting along and talking again like they should be and it’s quite nice to have things that way. Talking to a few of my friends on Facebook, Keith and I always going on about our 2012 zombie invasion ideas and how we plan on handling it. It’s all pretty cool though, we would definitely survive. Hopefully I can get something done on this apartment I’m working on now and get some game on today. I tried out Vindictus last night it was fun for about 2 hours then kind of tapered down. It would be a lot more fun when it gets polished and maybe update for playability but you never know with free games, that’s why they’re free. So far, day is well, we’ll see tonight though. I’ll be back to update later. (even though this is just for me basically)

The Beginning, The WTF, and The End

all things have a beginning and limitless possibility

but as time passes it tends to shrink down and fade away in our minds

that the limits cease to exist

but in reality space and time cause each other to expand not contract

so your limits and possibilities grow with time not fade


Today as I see it…

People just don‘t have respect for anything anymore. They don’t respect others, peoples problems, lives, anything. People cannot think outside of their annoying little bubbles. But you know, I guess that’s ok for everyone else since it’s so widely accepted among the masses. I’ll use my family for instance, my step-mom is totally the most two faced person I have ever met in my entire life. I thought she was the devil at first then thought she was ok but I’ve learned that she is two faced as sin. One day she will be happy and ok with everything and understanding then the next, totally saying the nastiest shit to my Dad about me about how horrible and lazy I am and I don’t know what responsibility is. Shit that bitch doesn’t know anything at all. Telling me to get a job when my half dead Father is working two for this appartment building and I am trying to help him until after the first of the year so he can get use to it by working 10 hours a day 7 days straight until 10pm or later. But to her I’m being lazy and not helping the family. Well here is some news for you. WE GET RENT AND UTILITIES FOR THE WORK I PUT IN DOWN THERE. I mean common, this woman must not have more than three braincells in her damn head if this is how she thinks. I think honestly she still hates me from a long time ago. The way she treats him is atrocious too, she fucks with him so much then wonders why he wants to leave when he can, fuck who wouldn’t want to leave some crazy bitch who fucks with you? But that in itself is another story.

As far as everything else goes. Well I guess it could be worse, but not by much as I see it. The next step down for me is homeless, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut it isn’t the first time I’ve been without a home and I made due with what I’ve been given you know? What irks me more than anything is the fact that she thinks I don’t want a job that pays cash, I want a new car and new computer and I desperately need some new clothes and shoes. So I probably need money for those because I’m not an african baby someone wants to adopt or some kid who doesn’t even know what shoes are. I just hate being treated like a 10 year old that has no idea what the fuck is going on. Makes me want to stab someone sometimes. One day though I’ll finally have what I want. A decent woman, my gaming cafè, a couple of cool cars and a house of my own in California. Then I’ll be chill with the world.

Just remember one thing, Today as I see it, we’re all fucked in the end anyway might as well do what you can before that happens.